Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Hello again

As usual, too long a break between entries Siti. Too long a break. And the worst thing is that I haven't been writing so it has been a long, non-writing break. I'm not the best of writers yes, but I'd like to think I'm a writer.

Is it any wonder I'm feeling those dredges of negativity. I mean sure, the negativity is caused by everything that's been happening these long, long, long 8 months.

and it has been a damn long 8 months. But I should have written something. anything. a blog entry. that chapter I've been putting off forever. that new story I wanted to write. something. anything. something that is not my resume. something that is not a cover letter.

and wow. I've finally managed to cry. That feeling at the back of my mind? Have been feeling it for damn long now. my period is not coming again (sorry if that's a TMI). My face is breaking out at a rate that I have never experienced before. NEVER. I've never been one of those girls to get breakouts. And I've been gaining weight. thanks a lot. So yes, that's how stressed and how much negativity I've been keeping inside but I haven't been able to cry. And I write 1/2 a blog entry and the tears start rolling down, and i start to choke out sobs. So Siti, see how much you've been torturing yourself?

Huh, never saw it that way tbh. I have been actively engaging in self-torture. I have been keeping things to myself for way too long. I haven't cared about the fact that I need to express myself. To the point that I haven't been able to cry. Well, let this be a turning point.

Good things happen to those who wait. But I have been waiting for way too long. Yet, I have no idea of what I can do to move on from here. Still feeling lost. But... maybe a little bit better. This thing is more therapeutic then I ever gave it credit for. Me, who has been writing, for leisure, in one form or another since I was 14.

So the objective of today's post has changed. I guess it was going to be more of a self-defeatist rant. A post about how helpless and terrible and all that, that I'm feeling. How much of a burden I feel I am. The disappointment after disappointment. I think I've written something much better instead. Self-reflective. And I hope self-understanding. And, it's time I stopped thinking about regrets. Instead, and this is terrible cliched, I should learn from that regret. I mean I'm still feeling the bad stuff, it's just seen through more self-reflective eyes.

I think I have an idea of what I wanna do. Now, it's time to convince people that yes, I would be awesome at it. OMG yes, I can be awesome at it. I need to believe that. I NEED TO BELIEVE IT.

Let's see how I convince them eh. I need to stop waiting. Let's try that ok girl?

shall end this here. am gonna post on sth a little bit more fun (DANGAN RONPAAAAAA!! PHOENIX WRIGHTTTT!! GAMESSS!!) tomorrow I guess? I need to pace out the postings. Otherwise I'll rant about the same old thing. Oh and I'm going to eat chocolate cake tmr so tmr's definitely the happy things post. Insyaallah.

I love my family. I love my friends. They have been so patient with me on this long painful journey. No end in sight now, but I hope it will come soon. And I really miss my niece and my nephew. 2 days with them is not enough!

I want to lose weight.
I want to clear my skin.
I want to exercise more.
I want to have that end in sight. I can't wait to see that end. Insyallah, things will happen. Insyaallah. *positive thoughts**positive energy*

tired, a little jaded and frantically wishing for better things.

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